August 27, 2008
The good, the bad and the ugly, in reverse
Last night SUCKED. You would think by the third kid I would know why Owen keeps waking up, or have a better idea of what to do about it. Suggested/possible options so far include letting him cry til he falls asleep (I'm not ready yet) and nursing him back to sleep when he wakes up (doesn't really get me any more sleep, so I'm not really willing to continue feeding him when he really shouldn't need food). Adding solids hasn't helped, and I think may have something to do with the crankier waking (as opposed to pacifier pop-out and turtle wakings).
I actually fell asleep putting him down for a nap, which would have been wonderful if Katie hadn't come in to ask me to sharpen some pencils about 30 seconds later.
Since Jamie started school, Katie has been asking me what to do. All. Day. Long. She'll come up and say "I don't have anything in my head." The scary part is that she's the more independent of my girls. I haven't had a lot of errands to run, so we've been spending a lot of time at home, and I can't seem to come up with anything fun, either. Or at least, anything fun that lasts more than 5 minutes. We made Rice Krispies Treats today, which was a BIG mistake. By big, I'm referring to the size of my butt when I'm done eating the entire batch. I'm not even hungry after all that Brie cheese I had for lunch.
Did I mention my big ass?
Anyway, making the treats took all of 10 minutes. Chalk drawing, coloring, Old Maid and amusing the baby took another 8 and a half. I'm too tired to be more creative than that.
For Christmas, Rex gave me a card saying I could get a new computer. Specifically, an Apple product, since I had expressed an interest and he was impressed by the service and details when he went to the store to do some research. I didn't take him up on the offer right away, for a bunch of reasons. We were about to move, my laptop was still working fine in spite of it's small hard drive and failing battery, Apples cost about as much as a car, especially the laptops, and I would have to learn a whole new OS/change applications, etc.
I'm running out of excuses now. We're moved and I have an office all my own. I've so totally outgrown my hard drive it's ridiculous, the battery on this beast is toast, and I've lost a fan. The other fan comes on full speed when the laptop gets hot, but never shuts off. It sounds like a jet is taking off from the couch. I can't really justify the cost of an Macbook, but I really shouldn't need a computer on the couch anyway, right? At least, not in a few months when Owen stops sucking me dry so regularly. Plus, I just can't pass up the glory of the giant iMac screen. And then the applications. I'm concerned about the learning curve, but then, I haven't really gotten around to learning most of the photo editing/video editing apps I wanted to anyway. Might as well save time and just do it once.
And so, on it's way to my house from China, is a glorious 24" iMac. I can't believe I let Rex spend so much money on *me*, for something we don't really *need*.
I'm also so excited I could wet myself!
Posted by me at 1:40 PM | Comments (0)
August 22, 2008
Upstanding citizen or angry bitch?
You know, it takes an awful lot to piss me off enough to do more than rant. Even then, all my good comebacks come hours or even days after they would be useful.
Today was the day I acted.
We live right across the street from an elementary school. During the school year, drop off and pick up time can be a bit of a pain, what with all the cars parked on the street, in front of our house. I'm old enough to have a kids-stay-outta-my-yard attitude, but young enough to keep the words from shooting out of my mouth. It's really not that bad, since the chaos only lasts 30 minutes or so, morning and afternoon.
This afternoon was meet the teacher day, so a ridiculous number of people came to the school looking for a place to park. By the time we walked home, the parking lot, our street, and the street on the other side of the school were full. In fact, our street had cars parked on both sides, effectively leaving a single lane for traffic. That's what it looked like when I packed the kids in the car and ran to the store for a couple things before dinner.
We weren't gone long enough, because it still looked like that when we got home. Except that now, some doofus had parked in the tiny space between our driveway and the driveway next door. In fact, that space is so tiny, he was partially in front of our driveway. That in itself would have pissed me off. Add in that there was another car parked right up against the other side of the driveway, and cars parked on the other side of the street, and I couldn't swing wide to fit between the two fools parked in front of my house.
I wasn't about to find a spot on the street a quarted mile plus from my house so I could haul my crying baby and heavy groceries to my own front door, so I did a many point turn and managed to fit through the tiny gap left to me.
Then I went inside and had Rex look up the non-emergency line for the cops. Cause that SOB blocking my driveway? He parked directly in front of a fire hydrant.
Posted by me at 9:07 PM | Comments (1)
July 11, 2008
And I'm open to suggestions
Well, damn.
I made a new banner. A miracle in itself since I don't just not know Photoshop, I don't even understand the names of the tools and have no concept what they do. I need to get a book, but unless they make one that can automagically upload to my brain, it will sit on a shelf with all my other how-to's until I upgrade and it becomes obsolete and Half-Price Books offers me 20 cents for it.
Then I went into all my templates and changed the file names from gif to jpg, because I didn't like the way the new banner look converted to gif. And I changed some of the colors in the CSS file (HELLO! orange).
Then I tried to publish all the templates.
The stupid Master Archive Index still won't publish, so now everything is half updated. I have no idea why it won't work. I've compared it to a working file and can't find a single difference. I've mucked around in everything I can find and it hasn't made a difference. I even upgraded a while back in hopes that whatever was wrong would be replaced by the new version.
I'm assuming this is part of the same problem I have publishing posts and comments. I keep hoping they'll release 4.2 and the new format they have for archives will fix and replace my errors. Barring that, I may have to wipe the whole thing and start from scratch, which scares the crap out of me since I have a tenuous grasp on how the database works, and I don't want to lose any actual content.
All that to say, sorry for mismatched look of the site.
Posted by me at 10:20 PM | Comments (0)
July 10, 2008
Two days in, and I'm ready to lower my standards
I have this huge list of things that I would like to get done while the girls are gone. Granted, most of them are things I wanted to get done even before they left, but the hope is that with two fewer kids it will be easier to knock stuff out. At the very least, running errands is simplier, since I have fewer kids to buckle and handhold and yell at them to STOP TOUCHING THINGS while we shop.
Unfortunately, most of the things on the list aren't errands, they're chores. Chores that require two hands. And some arms. Owen has yet to nap outside of my arms or the car since they left. Part of that is my fault, like today we ran a bunch or errands and so he caught a few catnaps in the car seat, or I let him sleep too long in my arms and he wakes up when I put him down. The rest is him. He's all about the one-on-one attention, even when he's asleep. On the up side, I don't have to divide my attention, and Owen has fairly simple and easy-to-meet needs. Also, I can eat all sorts of crap and I don't have to share.
All this boils down to a long list with way too few things crossed off. The things I have knocked off are the easy stuff. I haven't even bought the paint for either of the kids rooms, and I shudder to think how long it will take me to sort through all the crap in my office and file the box of papers.
Posted by me at 9:21 PM | Comments (0)
June 20, 2008
And when the hell did I forget how to smile?
That tweet this morning about losing my shit? I had no idea.
My meltdown was a combination of days of holding Owen with no relief, lack of sleep from his unusual nighttime habits, and yet another screaming fit that seemed to have no reason and no solution. It was just too much. I was trying to figure out who I could call to come help me, just for a few minutes, to entertain my poor daughters who have been so good and so neglected, to hold Owen for just a few minutes so I could *not* hold him and still not hear him scream. And I realized there was no one closer than 250 miles that I knew well enough to see me in the state I was in.
And then I cried harder. Cried because I feel so isolated and alone. Because apparently there's only one person in this town that I consider a good friend, and he was in California. Because I was completely incoherent, and not a single creature in the house even noticed.
I need to make some friends around here, and I know it. But aside from the fact that it's something I'm just not good at, calling people I don't know well to set up, uh, something, it's also something that takes time. There are a few women in this neighborhood that may someday be great friends, but I haven't known them long enough to know them well. We're still in the dating stage, where I don't reveal my true self for fear of alienating every woman withing spitting distance of our house. When do I let loose with the atheism and the computer addiction and the animal science degree that required activities that viewed the wrong way are illegal in some states? When do I let them know that I'm an oversharer, and reveal that I no longer have any hobbies or joys or personality, but I used to be loud and sarcastic and opinionated and obnoxious and I had FUN?
Posted by me at 9:11 PM | Comments (3)
May 18, 2008
Tattletale
I'm much less angsty than I should be, considering how this evening went. I think perhaps I will sum up with bullets.
- Pretty much every time I've handed Owen over to Rex so I could take care of something, he has turned into a shrieking banshee. Like, completely inconsolable. It takes me a long time to calm him back down. I have no idea what's causing it. It's reminiscent of the carseat problem (that has improved dramatically), and just as frustrating to me.
- This potty thing? With Katie? It is infuriating. For a good month, she was perfect, which is why her continued refusal to hie herself to the bathroom is so frustrating. Tonight, she pooped herself, but it was, um, understandable? I'll let you fill in the blanks. It was when she peed in her room, while we were all up there finishing putting the room together, that got us. She apparently went while she was running around, there was even some on the bottom rung of the ladder. She had been sitting on the toilet not 30 minutes before. I'm stumped.
- Rex picked up Katie's mattress today, so she's getting to sleep in the bunk bed for the first time. She absolutely thrilled. Of course, that didn't stop her from climbing out of it when she was supposed to be going to sleep and picking up some trash the delivery guys left under the bed. Trash that had been there since Thursday, but suddenly needed removal TODAY. This was after they had been told to be quiet three times, including a visit from Daddy. That child is going to drive me insane. More insane, anyway.
- When we moved Katie's old bed (ok, twin mattress on the floor. At least it didn't hurt when she fell out!), I saw what she has done to the wall in the what, three months that we've lived here? I knew some of it was there, but I didn't expect it to be as gross as it was. Boogers, handprints, and I don't want to think about what else. It makes me want to paint.
Posted by me at 10:37 PM | Comments (0)
May 10, 2008
Milestone
As of this morning, I hit my prepregnancy weight. I'm thrilled, although I'd be more excited if a) I hadn't been within one pound a week and a half ago, then gained a few, then lost a few, b) if I thought I was still going to be this weight tomorrow and c) if my doctor hadn't decided to lower my thyroid meds.
C) is the big one. Last year, right before I got pregnant, my doctor lowered my meds and I gained five or six pounds (that didn't magically disappear when he raised my dose again) and became a human shaped slug. I became unusually skilled at dropping into an immediate sleep and stayed that way for a good eight or nine hours. Then I'd get up to take care of the kids feeling like I'd been awake half the night.
After a month of that, he retested my blood and agreed that I needed to raise my dose again. That's when I got pregnant and my OB took over.
I've felt absolutely fantastic since I've had Owen, and I'm afraid that it's all going to end when I start on the lower dose. Whether it's a return to "normal" or an actual deficiency, I'm not interested in feeling less awake and alive than I do right now.
Posted by me at 4:46 PM | Comments (0)
May 5, 2008
I'll be the one scratching
Early last week, I developed a hideously itchy rash between the ring and middle fingers of my left hand. I assumed it was a recurrence of my dyshidrosis, until I found an big itchy patch on my cheek. Over the week since the first I found the first bumps, I've found new blisters and patches daily. Revised diagnosis: poison ivy that has become systemic. I didn't even know poison ivy could do that, and I've been getting plenty of it since I was a kid.
The upside is that a doctor (ok, my OB) actually agrees that it's poison ivy. The downside is that she suggested hydrocortisone cream, which as far as I can tell is about as effective as hand cream. She said that if the rash gets bad enough, i could go on steroids, but when I asked if I could take steroids while breastfeeding, all she said was that they would make me crazy. Since we've established that crazy and I already have a relationship, I'm hoping it doesn't come to that.
At least the first bumps that showed up are starting to fade, and I don't look like I have a nasty case of facial herpes anymore.
Posted by me at 10:19 PM | Comments (0)
April 19, 2008
Having fun always seems to come at the price of our sleep
Last weekend, we went to a rodeo with a bunch of people from the TKD school. Dinner was at 6:30, and the rodeo didn't end until 10. No big deal, right? It's a weekend, the kids don't have to get up early, it's good to break out of your routine, let's have some fun!
Yeah, the little one came and got us up at 6:30. Are you freaking kidding me? I mean, not only did they NEED more sleep, but Rex and I got to bed late, too, and would have loved a little more peace and quiet.
Last night, I got to go to a girls night type thing at a neighbors house. I only knew one of the women there, and it wasn't even at her house, but I got up my nerve and went anyway. And I had a glass of wine or so, and a really nice time. I liked everyone I met (I'm paranoid enough to be nervously wondering if they liked me, too), and I hope I'm invited again, and that we can get us and our kids together in the meantime.
Good grief, I'm desperate-for-a-girlfriend girl in the friend-making dating world. Ugh.
I decided to leave Owen at home while I went out. Once he goes to sleep after an 8ish feeding, he's good til at least 10:30, which is when I usually wake him up to feed him and put him in pj's so we can go to bed. I took my phone just in case, but I wasn't expecting to be needed for a while. And I wasn't. He was still peaceful and sleeping when I got home.
And then I tried to go to bed. He just. wouldn't. stay. asleep. Around 3:00, after nursing him repeatedly and trying to get him to sleep alone, I gave in and let him sleep on me. That bought me three hours straight, and then he was up for the morning, and Rex took him when he got up with the girls.
Since as far as his night was concerned, nothing was out of the ordinary, I can only assume he sensed my fine mood and felt the need to knock me back down a peg.
Posted by me at 10:53 AM | Comments (1)
April 17, 2008
I'm just the bitchy, nagging maid who lives here
You know how sometimes you go back and read your old posts to see what the details of your life were back then, to see the hurdles you've overcome, to see how much things have changed? I started this post *years* ago, and it horrifies me. Horrifies me because every. single. word. still applies.
I've been just an observer in my family for a while now.
I take care of what needs to be done, try to make sure the kids have a little fun, but I don't really get involved. I watch them play in the driveway, but I sit and read while they frolic. I don't really play games with them, and while they get their fair share of hugs, I haven't wrestled with them and gotten involved.
I start out every day already on the edge. It only takes an annoyance or two to push me over into bitch mode. Crying is the one behavior that kills me, because I can't get them to stop. I mean, if she were hitting, I could physically stop them, but aside from gagging them, I can't make the crying stop.
I'm a nag. I hear myself correcting them about things that don't really matter, and I can't seem to stop. I take every opportunity that the kids give me to leave them alone (not ALONE alone, but uninvolved in what they're doing).
I spend too much time on the computer. Worse, half the time I'm not really doing anything, just refreshing hoping for something interesting to happen that I can read about.
I think I've decided that I'm entitled to my bad mood. But really, who's entitled to a bad mood that's lasted two or three years? My attitude isn't fair to my kids, it's not fair to my husband, and it isn't fair to me. I have good days, don't get me wrong, but when I look back over the weeks and months, I'm more gloom than sunshine. I tend to remember the bad things and forget the funny, happy times.
Someone needs to slap me outta this. I have the feeling that someone is supposed to be me.
Posted by me at 10:10 PM | Comments (2)
April 8, 2008
Just another manic, uh, Tuesday
Today was one of those days that seemed to be going great and then all of a sudden, I'm crying on Rex's shoulder while the kids that drove me to it go back to behaving like real little people again.
We had a play date with a friend of Jamie's from school and her little sister. They had a great time. Such a great time that Jamie was in tears most of the ride home, because she didn't want to leave. Owen was not screaming, for once, and then we got stopped at a light. He was just recovering from that bout of screaming when we hit another light. That pretty much sealed the fate of the rest of the trip home.
I should go back and talk about Katie and her pee. She seems to be regressing from being potty trained. I knew this could happen when we introduced the new baby, but I thought she was far enough from diapers that it wouldn't be a problem. Also, she hasn't started trying to act like a baby herself, so I'm not sure it's related. Anyway, today she leaked a bit before we went to pick Jamie up, so she got fresh panties. Then she wet her pants (she said leaked, but dude, she was soaked) at the friend's house. I could understand that, since we were at a strange place and she was probably involved and not paying attention. I asked her if she had to go more, several times, and she said no. She wet her pants again before we got home. THat would be not 30 minutes from the previous time. I told her if she wet her pants again, I would have to put her back in diapers, and if she's in diapers she can't go to TKD, which means no yellow belt. I thought that would be some good motivation. Less than two hours later, she was wearing wet pants again.
So coming home was a wee bit traumatic for the mother in me. Screaming kid, wet pants, and I was HUNGRY. Owen stopped crying the instant I got him out of his seat. He was even fine when I laid him on the floor so I could start dinner. Katie frickin' smiles at me while I tell her she's going to lose TKD. Jamie is trying to show me what she made in school before I've even set my purse down.
I doubt I'm even making sense any more. All I know is that I was still smiling until I walked in the door, and then I went straight to tears.
Posted by me at 9:36 PM | Comments (0)
April 4, 2008
I wasn't planning to bitch, but, well...
I just made what I thought was my worst pie crust ever. It's actually pretty damn good. Now if only I hadn't cut into the pie before the filling was cool (how the hell am I supposed to resist chocolate?) and set.
I probably should have skipped making the pie in favor of working on the taxes. Have I mentioned that I haven't done our taxes yet? I started, a while back, but stopped when I got to the part where I had to use more than 3 brain cells at once. Also, we're going to take a hit this year, because we made a wee bit of money selling our last house, and we didn't live in it long enough to be able to roll the money into this house. I'm not really excited to see how much we owe.
Wee man is losing his mellowness in favor of some nasty sleep habits. Actually, it's his falling asleep habits that are causing trouble. During the day, he is mostly unwilling to just drift off to sleep. Instead, he fights and screams and rejects everything until finally, he doesn't. Rex and I spend several hours each morning and/or evening trying to soothe him into sleepiness. The good news is that he's still doing pretty well at night, waking for two or three feedings and usually going right back to sleep. The last feeding, at 4 or 5am, is the crapshoot: will he go back to sleep, or stay up and scream for an hour? At this point, if he's asleep when I finish feeding him, I just slide down the bed and let him stay on me. Better than chancing him waking up and wanting to stay that way.
The girls are, well, driving me nuts. Jamie talks all the time, but says next to nothing. I've started calling her Captain Obvious, because, well, she is constantly putting into words what everyone can plainly see. If she isn't narrating our lives, she's asking for something, anything. We do 5 activities, she asks for 6. An hour after breakfast, she asking what she can have for dessert after lunch. I ask her not to do something, she just keeps TALKING and digging herself deeper and deeper into a hole. Katie has rediscovered her stubborn streak, in spades. I tell her to stop doing something and she says, "I didn't!" Ok, kid, I wouldn't have told you to stop if you hadn't done it. Send her to do a 2 minute task, and she comes back 15 minutes later and it's only half done. And yesterday? Four pairs of panties. I'm willing to take the blame for one of the accidents, at least partially, but the other three were all her.
Nuts, I tell you.
On the other hand, they are so sweet with Owen. Katie is constantly, if annoyingly, offering suggestions as to what he needs. They let me know when he's crying or waking up. They try to play with him, totally unaware that he can't figure out what the hell they're doing. When we talk to him, they remind us that he doesn't know how to talk.
Still, nuts
Posted by me at 9:46 PM | Comments (0)
February 25, 2008
Bruised, a little bloody, but not a single contraction
Not that I would recommend twisting an ankle and taking a fall at any time, but I definately don't suggest doing it 37 weeks pregnant. The gimpy walk I developed as I stiffened up over the day just makes me feel more self-conscious than usual, with my leading belly.
On the up side, the baby finally has a carseat installed just for him and the girls are thrilled with their new seating arrangement.
Posted by me at 10:10 PM | Comments (0)
February 13, 2008
Things I shoudn't have to say
"No touching anybody's nipples but your own!"
"And you didn't look to see if the van was in the way before you shut the garage door?"
"My cat is on anti-depressants. Hopefully he'll stop peeing on the carpet, now."
Posted by me at 7:23 PM | Comments (1)
January 17, 2008
Wine would be better
I'm running out of patience. And energy. Motivation. Did I mention patience? I'm not quite 32 weeks yet. That's a lot of complaining time left. I hope my family can learn to ignore me.
It snowed today. Well, not really snowed so much as I saw a few dozen flakes. Jamie's teacher pointed them out, too, so I wasn't just hallucinating. Have I mentioned that I'm not really into cold?
We set up the bathroom to confine Bubba a day or so ago. Then yesterday, he spent the entire day sleeping in my presence, so I didn't have the heart to lock him up. He stayed with me most of last night, too, as per usual. I didn't find another pee spot until this afternoon, although it was dry by then. And then I found a wet spot this evening. Enough is enough. He'll be sleeping alone tonight.
Katie talked this morning. All morning. It wasn't that she was whiney or complaining or even demanding, although there was some of that, too. Mostly it was just that she was never, ever quiet. And she was less independent than I've come to expect, so she never even just wandered off and talked to herself. It's amazing how tiring all that listening and answering can be.
This post has degenerated far enough to whine. Goodnight!
Posted by me at 9:04 PM | Comments (0)
January 7, 2008
Broken record
We put an offer on one of the new homes we've been keeping our eyes on for the last few months. The offer is still a little higher than what I really *want* to pay, and yet still low enough that I'm not sure they'll even bother to counter.
Even more frightening is the part where I'm not sure I want them to accept an offer for us. I'm still not ready to truly commit to Dallas, especially after having such a wonderful time with friends in Houston. Actually buying a house up here makes this move pretty much permanent. On the up side, it also means I don't have to worry about relocating or moving for a while, which would be nice, too. I'm so torn between wanting to be settled and wanting to be where I want to be.
It's been over a year, and I still haven't come up with the compromise that both of us can accept.
Posted by me at 10:08 AM | Comments (0)
January 6, 2008
Blown away
The temperature this weekend has been awesome.
The wind, unfortunately, has made it difficult to enjoy.
Posted by me at 6:57 PM | Comments (0)
December 29, 2007
Colds suck.
Posted by me at 11:50 AM | Comments (0)
May 29, 2007
Mother's Day, revisited
I started this post last week, but I haven't had the time or inclination to rehash this crap over the weekend. It needs to be done, though, if only to get it out of my head. In the absence of real friends to talk to, I have to let it out here.
I feel the need to talk more about the Mother's Day debacle, partly to get it out of my head, and partly because I imagine it's the only way my husband is going to understand why I'm so upset. God forbid I actually talk directly *to* him.
I wasn't expecting a big gift. In fact, I didn't want one. I don't even really expect much of a gift from Rex at all. After all, it's Mother's Day, and I'm not his mother. What I wanted was for Rex to be the person to tell my girls to greet me with a "Happy Mother's Day!", not my dad. I wanted him to spend some time with them, making me scribbled card or a sappy cut out heart. I wanted him to teach them that it was a day to make mom feel honored, loved and appreciated.
All I felt was forgotten. I'm not sure if Rex even knows if the girls told me to have a happy Mother's Day. He certainly didn't coach them to tell me, my father took care of that. He offered to take the girls to Wal*Mart and meet us at his grandparents house for lunch, so they could pick up a card. I'd rather the girls not know that Mother's Day exists than learn that it's ok to run out halfway through the day and show up 5 minutes later with whatever card was still left on the shelf at the mega mart. I may not have the highest self-esteem, but even *I* know I'm worth more than that.
I've thought of lots of ways he could have dug himself out of this hole, some of them even before he got himself into it. So far, he hasn't taken me up on any one of my ideas, not that I've said them out loud. This is one of those things he has to figure out how to fix himself.
Posted by me at 10:21 PM | Comments (1)
May 8, 2007
I don't know if it's PMS or what, but I hate my husband and I can't stop crying.
The girls came in and gave me a big hug and held me while I cried, and Katie kept patting me on the shoulder and saying, "Don't worry, Mama."
What am I doing to them, being this way?
Posted by me at 9:42 PM | Comments (0)
April 20, 2007
Apparently not listening to me is a new national pasttime.
Posted by me at 4:12 PM | Comments (0)
March 1, 2007
And white. Pale, pale white.
A week ago, maybe less, Rex started doing a little exercise at night. He lets Jamie choose how many push-ups, sit-ups, and jumping jacks she wants him to do, and then the girls "help" by sitting on his feet.
Yesterday, I decided I really need to move a little, so I joined in.
Ow.
Let me say that again.
Ow.
I barely made it through 10 sit-ups. I used to be able to do an almost unlimited number. Then I thought about it and realized I haven't done a sit-up since before I got pregnant with Jamie. Then I did 10 push-ups. I've never been good at push-ups, so I wasn't surprised by how much they hurt.
I was pretty sure I was going to be sore today, so I was pleasantly surprised to find the only pain I had was in my sinuses. Stupid cold. I was fine all day. Did some more sit-ups, no problem (ha!) Did my push-ups and HOLY HELL SOMEONE SET MY CHEST MUSCLES ON FIRE!
Maybe flabby and out of breath isn't so bad after all?
Posted by me at 8:05 PM | Comments (0)
February 15, 2007
Winter needs to be over.
When it's warm, the kids can run off their energy.
When it's warm, we can go to parks and playgrounds and walks and meet other people.
When it's warm, I cry less.
When it's sunny and green, anything seems possible.
Winter is cold and lonely and it's squeezing the hope right out of me.
Posted by me at 8:17 PM | Comments (0)
February 14, 2007
So
We just sold my dream.
What the fuck am I supposed to do now?
Posted by me at 3:05 PM | Comments (0)
February 7, 2007
Taxes
Driving me insane.
Posted by me at 11:10 PM | Comments (0)
January 20, 2007
Selfish bitch
I sent my sick husband to Tae Kwon Do with the kids so I could have some alone time.
I know I should have been the compassionate wife and taken them myself, but I've been home alone sick with the kids for two weeks, and for a week of that they were sick too. TKD is my two hours of alone time a week, and dammit, I deserve it.
In an effort to stave off guilt, I keep reminding myself that I had them for way more than two hours while I was sick. And I got up with them this morning so Rex could squeak out every last minute of sleep he could before they had to get ready. And I slept on the couch last night because his usually opbnoxious snoring was even worse with the addition of copious amounts of phlegm.
Now, while I'm alone I think I'm going to take a shower, poach some chicken breasts for dinner and empty the dishwasher. You know, make good use of my alone time.
Posted by me at 8:10 AM | Comments (0)
January 10, 2007
Snot blows
Man, I feel like ass. This cold sucks, and after three? four? days, I'm not getting better yet.
I got a new lens for my camera today, one that apparently everyone and their mama has. I'm ok with that, since I love the way it looks. More on that when I feel less like the sole creator of snot in the universe.
Posted by me at 8:58 PM | Comments (0)
December 12, 2006
But I still want to go home
I'm almost sad that NaBloPoMo is over. It gave me great motivation to post regularly, and while I thought that was going to carry on, it only lasted a few days. And, it's really putting a crimp in my blog reading.
What a letdown.
Anyway, not much going on. Still trying to make our square belongings fit into a round apartment. Trying to keep up with all the pictures I've been taking on my new camera. Not doing a good job of posting pics here (or getting them off the camera on a timely manner).
And Christmas, holy bejeebus. I haven't bought anything at all. I finally got a book of pictures put together that we'll give to each of the grandparents, great-grandparents, aunts and uncles, but they may not get here in time to give for Christmas, and surely not in time to mail to the distant relatives.
Mentally, I've been doing better. A lot better. I had one more brief episode of hopelessness, but it was counterbalanced by two episdes of serene patience with Jamie. I'm not sure the last time I had one of those.
Even better (actually, not better. The mental thing is the best.) the weather has been beautiful the last couple days, and is expected to stay that way for at least a week. Exploring our new habitat is much nicer when we can get out and enjoy it.
Posted by me at 9:04 PM | Comments (0)
November 27, 2006
Watch it wiggle
I think all the eating out has finally caught up with my ass.
The last time I weighed myself in Houston, I hadn't gained any weight since the more thing started. I've even been pretty good about portions and trying to eat a little healthy in the last week or so, so I'm not sure why all of a sudden I feel like a big flabby blob. Heck, I've gotten more of a workout in the last couple days than the last few months, I should be feeling slim!
I celebrated feeling blobby with pudding. And not just a little pudding, either.
I'm so tired and sick of packing/moving/unpacking that all I want to do is curl up in a little ball for a couple months. Makes it real hard to get the kids out of the apartment to burn off energy, which is exactly what I need to do to maintain my sanity here. Catch 22.
Worse, I think we're going to go shopping tomorrow. The last thing we need is more stuff in this place, but Jamie's newly-semi-regular bedwetting habit is making a spare pair a necessity. And, I need Christmas paper for our Christmas letter. I need to get that sucker written, so when we finally get a tree, and then pictures, and then cards, I'll be ready to send those suckers out. Hopefully before the new year starts.
Posted by me at 9:29 PM | Comments (0)
November 12, 2006
This is just a depressing month for a post a day
My mother wants me to see a therapist.
This, after she told me to stop wallowing.
I made what was apparently a mistake in telling her that I thought that I am/was somewhat depressed over the last couple years. My point in telling her was more about how much better I was feeling since we got into a living situation that fits me ever so much better, and that I fear losing the equilibrium I've regained in the last 6 months.
And you thought I was going to move on to talking about fluffy bunnies and rainbows.
I know that my mother just wants me to be happy. I know that she would do whatever it would take to help me to that end. But I don't think telling me to view my glass as half full is going to force me to suddenly reconcile the future I envisioned a month ago with the one that's facing me today.
Posted by me at 8:59 PM | Comments (0)
October 25, 2006
Official
I've cried. I've overthought. I've tortured my friends and family with dramatic conversations about fear, depression, money, quality of life and the potential to move again.
I told Rex yes, then this morning decided the money wasn't worth losing this life. Luckily, I didn't call Rex right away, and by the time I did talk to him, I was resigned to moving again. Although I did hope that he was on the fence too and would call the whole thing off.
Anyway, verbal acceptance has been given. A written offer letter is expected next week. Rex's ass is expected to be planted in a chair near Dallas within four weeks.
If all this sounds discombobulated and unsure, well, that's because it is. I am.
Posted by me at 10:30 PM | Comments (0)
October 1, 2006
I am one sexy fucking beast
Yesterday, the coughing started. I was up an hour and a half last night trying not to cough the house awake. I took ANOTHER hour and a half nap yesterday. I never nap. I'm still less snotty than Katie, but I'm getting all piratey looking because I'm pretty sure I now have pink eye. I'm guessing it's viral (hi, Google!) since I'm already on antibiotics that should clear up the pink eye. I have lost my sense of taste, in spite of the fact that I can breathe perfectly through my nose. I have a sinus headache that sends sharp pains through my face when I walk undelicately.
Rex goes to work tomorrow. For the first time in months, I'll have both kids on my own for 10 hours straight.
Not the best time to be at my worst.
Posted by me at 8:56 PM | Comments (0)
September 11, 2006
Day 27
According to the nurse at my OB/GYN's office, this is part of the adjustment to birth control pills. Never mind that I've been on and off the pill for years and never had an issue like this, and never mind that's it's been TWENTY-SEVEN DAYS. I did convince her to give me an appointment with the PA based on my tiredness and the possibilty of anemia. At the very least, I'm going to have them give me a stronger pill if the PA gives me the same spiel.
I must say that Yaz is pretty effective birth control, although not at all in the way the pharmaceutical company intended.
Posted by me at 8:52 PM | Comments (0)
August 28, 2006
Hell week (part 1)
Stress levels are high.
Katie had her hernia repaired bright and early Monday morning (a week ago. Crap. I'm really behind!) We got up at 4:15 a!m! and had the kids in the car by 4:30. My wonderous tire monitoring system told me that one of my tires was low, though luckily not so flat I couldn't drive on it. Actually, that wouldn't have been that big a problem either, since i have run flat tires, but I didn't really want to drive downtown at 55mph on a flat. We stopped to put some air in the tires, and luckily it was a nice slow leak, so we put off the tire issue til Tuesday.
We continued on our merry way, arriving half an hour early at the surgery center. Of course, the place didn't open til 6, so we loitered in front of the door with the kids in their pjs. We're classy. Paperwork, questions, payment, waiting, and then they took my baby and sent us back to the waiting room. It was a comfort that even though she was awake when they took her, she didn't cry. Twenty minutes later, the surgeon came out to tell us that everything went fine, and we would able to see her in a couple minutes. The next 15 minutes were incredibly long. When they finally buzzed us back, we just followed the screaming. As soon as I picked Katie up, she snuggled into me and got quiet.
Other than sleeping way more than usual, Katie hasn't really seemed affected by the whole ordeal. We were back home by 9, and in between naps, she was climbing and carousing and running with her sister. By Tuesday, only the giant bruise and the dried blood gave any indication of trauma.
With any luck, the memory will fade like the bruise and all that will be left is a post and a few pictures.
Posted by me at 8:55 PM | Comments (0)
May 19, 2006
Even I don't want to be around me
This post is really making me think. It makes me sad for what I've lost. Hopeful that I might be able to get some of me back. Ashamed that I've let *me* slip away over the years. I keep thinking of that line in Hope Floats - "You used to be so audacious!" I was audacious, once.
I was never the cool kid, never in the popular crowd. But within my own pack I tended toward the center of attention rather than just following along. My current view of the old me is that I was funny, not afraid to be silly, not a rebel but I broke a few rules here and there. Most of my friends were boys. I loved to read, rode horses without fear or concern. I liked to drive my Toyota Tercel to it's upper limits. My friends never showed up at my house without Reese's Pieces or Smartfood Popcorn, not because I asked them to, but because they knew how much I adored it. We wrestled and played, and a good part of the time I beat up the guys. I could be giddy and drunk without a drop of alcohol. I was afraid of looking stupid, so I never danced in public. I was smart. I was unhappy with my body, but didn't do anything in the way of diet or exercise until college, when I took it too far.
I've lost so much of that. I may be less afraid to dance in public (a little), but it's been replaced by an all-consuming fear of ruining my kids by not being the perfect parent. Not that I'm anywhere close to perfect, so I'm also consumed with guilt. I'm rarely silly. I have a really hard time breaking any rules, especially the ones I've set up for my kids. I take myself so seriously, as though laughing is going to bring about the end of the world. If I don't find some of my old self soon, my kids are going to remember me as a crabby, uptight dictator who sucked the fun right out of their lives.
How do I get me back?
I try to add a bit of silly into every day. I'm not always successful. I try to say no less to Jamie, and go places she wants to go, places where I won't feel the need to enforce rules the whole time. I'm trying not to take her tantrums personally and reacting to them by being a bitch back. I'm trying to come up with a hobby that I find fun and fulfilling.
Every now and then I feel like I'm succeeding. Most of the time I feel stuck. Most of the time, I can't remember who I wanted to become.
Posted by me at 3:45 PM | Comments (1)
January 28, 2006
I feel like such an ungrateful bitch
This whole knowing-we're-moving-but-not-knowing-where-or-when thing is getting old. I'm tired of trying to answer questions that I have no answers for. I'm tired of trying to think of the answers. I'm tired of trying to make decisions without all the information. Hell, I don't even know what information I need anymore.
I'm developing a grudge against living in this inconvenient place. And then I've got a guilt complex because this inconvenient place is a lot better than a lot of people have it. When did I become so socially concious, dammit? It must have come with the political correctness that I can't seem to shake, even though it's obliterating every last ounce of my uniqueness and personality.
Back to this house, and the ways that it pisses me off. I have a ton of gear from when Jamie was a baby that I can't use. I can't find it in the pile of boxes in the basement, it won't fit where I can use it or I don't even remember I have it. I can't leave things that I use often out where I can get to them, because there isn't enough space. I'd love to have a craft area for Jamie, and even one for me, but there's no room for that either. My baby is sleeping in the office, for god's sake. I can't even print when she's sleeping. I don't even have a place to leave the infant seat that isn't in my way. And the high chair? It lives in the middle of the kitchen. It's a good thing it's on wheels, because I'm constantly pushing it around as I move around the kitchen to cook. Most of my pots, pans and kitchen gear are packed away. We have the basics upstairs, but when I want to get creative, I can't find the stuff I need.
I don't even like to think of all the things that need to be babyproofed. I'm not anal about having everything perfectly safe, but Jamie was such a good kid we didn't do a single thing when we moved in here. There are matches in drawers the kids can get to, glassware in the cabinets that even the baby can reach, no way to rope off the kitty litter (eew!) and I'm using storage bins to keep Katie out of the octopus of electrical cords by the couch.
A lot of this comes back to wanting what we left. Logically, I know that a bunch of the things that drive me nuts here aren't going to go away even if we slipped right back into our old life. I'd still have the two kids, after all. But when I compare now to then, it seems like I'm always saying, "This wouldn't be a problem in our old house." Of course, the longer we're here, the less true that becomes. After all, Katie has already outgrown some of the bigger baby gear. I won't have to worry about stashing the infant seat soon. It just seems like being here is making my life such a pain in the ass, and by the time we actually move I won't be able to use all the things that could have made my life so much easier.
I resent that. A lot.
Posted by me at 8:28 PM | Comments (0)