« I can handle cranky, but I may never drive again | Main | Having fun always seems to come at the price of our sleep »
April 17, 2008
I'm just the bitchy, nagging maid who lives here
You know how sometimes you go back and read your old posts to see what the details of your life were back then, to see the hurdles you've overcome, to see how much things have changed? I started this post *years* ago, and it horrifies me. Horrifies me because every. single. word. still applies.
I've been just an observer in my family for a while now.
I take care of what needs to be done, try to make sure the kids have a little fun, but I don't really get involved. I watch them play in the driveway, but I sit and read while they frolic. I don't really play games with them, and while they get their fair share of hugs, I haven't wrestled with them and gotten involved.
I start out every day already on the edge. It only takes an annoyance or two to push me over into bitch mode. Crying is the one behavior that kills me, because I can't get them to stop. I mean, if she were hitting, I could physically stop them, but aside from gagging them, I can't make the crying stop.
I'm a nag. I hear myself correcting them about things that don't really matter, and I can't seem to stop. I take every opportunity that the kids give me to leave them alone (not ALONE alone, but uninvolved in what they're doing).
I spend too much time on the computer. Worse, half the time I'm not really doing anything, just refreshing hoping for something interesting to happen that I can read about.
I think I've decided that I'm entitled to my bad mood. But really, who's entitled to a bad mood that's lasted two or three years? My attitude isn't fair to my kids, it's not fair to my husband, and it isn't fair to me. I have good days, don't get me wrong, but when I look back over the weeks and months, I'm more gloom than sunshine. I tend to remember the bad things and forget the funny, happy times.
Someone needs to slap me outta this. I have the feeling that someone is supposed to be me.
Posted by me at April 17, 2008 10:10 PM
Comments
I get in that mode a lot. I have to make a real conscious effort to really play *with* the kids. Sometimes its just so mind numbingly boring. I mean I should love it but seriously, I think I just need more brain activity and I keep turning to the computer hoping to get some there.
I went through a couple rough patches where I was this close to going back to work because of these feelings you describe. I thought I would appreciate my time with them more if I had less of it combined with an intellectual outlet during the rest of the time. That is the solution for some people. (Mike Watts' wife was going crazy and went back to work and is much happier) I eventually just found enough stuff to get out and do, plus sending the kids off to school so I did have some of that "me" time to use my brain. I never could come to the point of putting the kids in full time care when I didnt really have to even though I had considered it.
Posted by: Beck at April 21, 2008 4:10 PM
Hell, there are times I feel guilty about having Katie in preschool. I mean, I don't really *need* to have her in school.
I've thought about going back to work (mostly before I added yet another kid to my brood), but I don't even know what I'm qualified to do anymore. Then again, some days I'd greet at Walmart just to get to talk to adults!
I know I have a crappy attitude, and that some of this is just having little kids (once again, why am I adding *more*?) and a lot of it is that we've moved so much lately that I haven't gotten a local group of friends. All of my best friends are literally in the computer. Must change that.
Also? I've lost the child in me, assuming I ever had one.
Posted by: Becky 
at April 29, 2008 10:06 PM