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December 1, 2006
Brutally honest
I haven't been completely honest in this blog.
Part of the reason for that is that I don't want to say things that will hurt my husband (or his family). Part of the reason is that my husband reads this blog, and I don't feel I should tell him through my blog things that I can't seem to say to his face. And part of the reason is that I think there are some things that I need to get said, but they don't necessarily need to be heard, at least not by the world.
I've gotten so desperate for help, though, that I've started talking to anyone who will listen, even though most of them aren't in any position to help. My friends are too far away to do more than listen as I cry. My mother may have been right telling me I need to talk to a professional, but the way she said it has left me feeling bitchy toward her. My dad does what he can over the phone, even offering to verbally beat some sense into my husband.
My husband, well, he doesn't get it. Last night when I told him I would have left yesterday if the roads hadn't been icy, he said exactly nothing, and was asleep in 5 minutes. Not exactly the help and concern I was going for.
Don't get me wrong, my husband is a great guy. He puts up with a lot from me. But right now, I'm floundering. In the I'm-not-going-to-make-it-without-help kind of way. Professional help. And possibly drugs.
All of this is even harder to admit, because I always thought I was strong. That I could get through anything. That drugs were for those other people. You know, the ones who can't even hack real life. I have no idea what a therapist could possibly do for me, aside from cost me more money and make my life even more difficult and stressful, since I'll have to figure out what to do with the kids. They have to have some purpose, though, right? Right?
Now that I'm finally ready to get some help, I'm having to wait for our insurance to kick in. Yesterday was bad. Today is so much better that I'm starting to think I'll be ok again. But not so good that I don't think I need help before I end up in a puddle of angry, hopeless tears again.
Posted by me at December 1, 2006 9:10 PM
Comments
I do the same thing. Battle with my problems and then feel like I can face it without help but delaying the process of healing. I have to take my own advice and learn that asking for help is not a sign of weakness.
I hope things feels better for you.
Posted by: something blue at December 6, 2006 2:44 AM