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May 19, 2006
Even I don't want to be around me
This post is really making me think. It makes me sad for what I've lost. Hopeful that I might be able to get some of me back. Ashamed that I've let *me* slip away over the years. I keep thinking of that line in Hope Floats - "You used to be so audacious!" I was audacious, once.
I was never the cool kid, never in the popular crowd. But within my own pack I tended toward the center of attention rather than just following along. My current view of the old me is that I was funny, not afraid to be silly, not a rebel but I broke a few rules here and there. Most of my friends were boys. I loved to read, rode horses without fear or concern. I liked to drive my Toyota Tercel to it's upper limits. My friends never showed up at my house without Reese's Pieces or Smartfood Popcorn, not because I asked them to, but because they knew how much I adored it. We wrestled and played, and a good part of the time I beat up the guys. I could be giddy and drunk without a drop of alcohol. I was afraid of looking stupid, so I never danced in public. I was smart. I was unhappy with my body, but didn't do anything in the way of diet or exercise until college, when I took it too far.
I've lost so much of that. I may be less afraid to dance in public (a little), but it's been replaced by an all-consuming fear of ruining my kids by not being the perfect parent. Not that I'm anywhere close to perfect, so I'm also consumed with guilt. I'm rarely silly. I have a really hard time breaking any rules, especially the ones I've set up for my kids. I take myself so seriously, as though laughing is going to bring about the end of the world. If I don't find some of my old self soon, my kids are going to remember me as a crabby, uptight dictator who sucked the fun right out of their lives.
How do I get me back?
I try to add a bit of silly into every day. I'm not always successful. I try to say no less to Jamie, and go places she wants to go, places where I won't feel the need to enforce rules the whole time. I'm trying not to take her tantrums personally and reacting to them by being a bitch back. I'm trying to come up with a hobby that I find fun and fulfilling.
Every now and then I feel like I'm succeeding. Most of the time I feel stuck. Most of the time, I can't remember who I wanted to become.
Posted by me at May 19, 2006 3:45 PM
Comments
I think the first step is recognizing it. Don't worry - you're in there somewhere :-)
Posted by: Chris at May 22, 2006 1:00 PM