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November 14, 2005
Detachment
I'm starting to think there's something wrong with me. I was making dinner, and I looked down at Jamie, and it was like I hadn't seen her in a long time.
Jamie and I haven't had the best relationship lately. I seem to spend most of my time telling her not to do something. Or to stop crying. Or I'm busy with Katie. Or I'm still sleeping. Or she should be sleeping. On top of that, she's been argumentative and a crybaby and a general pill a lot of the time.
And I've been strangely detached.
I don't know if this is because of her mood or mine. It might be because I don't know how to interact with a 2 and a half year-old. I'm sure part of it is the adjustment of having Katie. And some of it is my addiction to the internet. Also, I've forgotten how to have fun. Add be fun.
People always talk about the joy they get from their children, from seeing them learn and grow, seeing old news through new eyes. I'm not getting that. Sure, sometimes she's funny, on purpose and by accident. But I get bored pushing her on the swings at the park. And walking her up to the slides. I don't want to play silly games, and I'm tired of coloring. Thank god her imagination is taking over and she's starting to amuse herself, because I'm going nuts.
I don't seem to have the same issues with Katie. Maybe because her needs are different, more "chores" and fewer games. Her crying still bothers me most of the time, although every now and then I seem to be able to sort of hear it from a distance. I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing.
Is this a phase? Are she and I just butting heads? Am I depressed and need therapy or meds? I wish I knew. I don't want to irreparably damage my relationship with my daughter before we really get started.
Posted by me at November 14, 2005 9:28 PM